Just my rambling thoughts about being gay and Mormon

Friday, December 10, 2010

Getting X'd

In 2000 I felt like my life was going out of control.  While out of town I tried some cocaine.  I did not do anything sexual on that trip but deep down I knew that the coke was an attempt to medicate terrible feelings of hating myself because I was gay.  The next day I decided I needed some help and decided to talk to my bishop.  He was a nice enough guy but within 15 minutes of sitting down to talk he had the Stake President on the phone and "the process" was started.

When I was X'd from the Church it was initially a very difficult time for me and my wife.  I felt that I had let her down.  In the long run it was probably harder on her than me.  I had always been extremely faithful from a very young age so being on the outside was a shock for both of us.  I had worked at the MTC after my mission, I'd been an Elder's Quroum President and served in a Bishopric.  

Looking back, those years out of the Church were actually some of my happiest.  I felt free to be myself and to just enjoy life.  

It's curious to look back at how I was treated by Church leaders.  They were always kind and I think they tried to be helpful.  However, I don't think they really understood me.  There were never any questions about the cocaine or any attempt to help me reconcile why I despised myself.  Every focus was on my homosexual behavior and they made it definitely clear that I was the one who needed to change.  During the disciplinary council some of the High Counselors looked at me like I had three heads and was from some alien planet.  They asked some really weird questions that demonstrated to me they really could not relate to what I was saying.  That was hard. 

I wanted to change and spent many long hours in prayer fervently seeking to be changed. 
Very early on after being X'd I felt like the Lord did not have anything against me and fully accepted me so I did not pray so much to be forgiven as to be changed.  In the end His answer was no but I knew that he loved and accepted me.  I felt that He wanted me in the Church and with my wife and family.  

I honestly felt like God had forgiven me for whatever I might have done that was wrong and so getting re-baptized was mostly a matter of waiting for the right amount of time to pass.  I had developed a close relationship with my Bishop while I was out of the Church.  It was close in that I knew he loved me not because I felt that he accepted or understood my gayness.  I told him I was on the "straight and narrow" and we never discussed if it was even possible for me to be completely straight.  I asked him to re-baptize me.  Just a few days before I was to be re-baptized I felt strongly that I should ask my father to do it.  This was difficult because I had not even told him I had been X'd.  I did not tell him why I was X'd and he did not ask but he did agree to perform the baptism.  The re-baptism was a happy time for me and my family.  Temple blessing were restored by my Stake President two years later.  

The really hard times were just about to begin.........more to come


  1. So Im curious, did they ex you because of your cocaine use or were there other reasons?

  2. I've just finished reading your blog in its entirety. I want to say thank you. As someone who is going through the repentance process (and just started) I don't know if I'm going to be excommunicated or disfellowshiped. Either way I'm glad to be doing what is correct. People like yourself have really helped me see life can be better. Props to you man!