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Just my rambling thoughts about being gay and Mormon

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Church today

I enjoyed taking the sacrament today and feeling the spirit acknowledge again to me that the fundamentals of the gospel are true and that I'm on the right path and OK with God.

We have a lot of elderly and sick members in our ward right now and as you would expect there were several prayers asking the Lord's blessing on them.  I too hope and pray for their recovery and God's will to happen in their life.  

It makes me sad that we can so easily pray in public for those who have "worthy" or politically acceptable challenges.  It's definably not OK to pray publicly (at least not in my ward) for those who have been alienated by church leaders that lied to them and caused so much pain and years of anguish.  

I vacillate between loving God, the Savior, and the gospel and feeling a loathing for the church bureaucracy that pigeonholes me as fundamentally wrong, sexually deviant, evil, and lacking self control.  

I don't know the general authorities personally and I'm sure many of them have had difficult personal struggles, but I don't think they know the first thing about what "enduring to the end" means for me.  Part of what it means for me is continuing to participate in and donate money to an organization that fundamentally hates me and would prefer that I did not exist.

So on days like today, I embrace the truths that I know and feel, both the gospel principles that I know are true and what I know about myself, and I try to just let the rest of the junk fall by the wayside.  Not always easy, but then I guess "enduring to the end" is never that way.  I know that God loves and accepts me, even if the Church still has a long way to go in that regard.

3 comments:

  1. I often have to reflect on the process and condition of being broken-hearted vs. hard-hearted. Feeling the spirit and God's love for me is simply more important than the 'junk' that can clutter up our spiritual lives and continue a spiral of negative thinking. However, this must also be balanced with not being so blind as to follow the directive to 'Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!'

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  2. Focusing on God's love for me is what I do too. I've also received assurances that Christ is the head of the Church, and he will fix the parts of the Church that need fixing, and I don't need to worry about that... My job is to be as faithful as I can in my part of the vineyard, and let the Lord hold others accountable for their stewardships...

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  3. Why do you need a church/organization to validate your spirituality.

    God exists in you and in your love. Nothing that you feel spiritually has anything to do with Mormonism. They may share similar principles with what you believe, but you are bigger and more sacred than they can ever begin to teach.

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