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Just my rambling thoughts about being gay and Mormon

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Fact That I Exist


I'm here.  The fact that I exist and that I feel and think and love cannot be denied even by the most strident anti-gay rhetoric, tradition, or argument.  I’m here, and this fact cannot be proven false by any scripture, prophet, or revelation.  I’m here and I EXIST and I’M GAY. 

So it really comes down to a very simple decision for each person:

A -   you can accept the fact that I was created the way I am and go with it, or;
B - you can use any number of ideas, religious teachings, traditions, or beliefs, to explain why either I've chosen to be the way I am or that some outside influence has subconsciously caused me to be this way.

Our lives are built upon our beliefs, which come from our experience and learning.  It’s impossible for one person to experience and know everything so we use our existing database of knowledge and experience to extrapolate into areas where we have not personally been.  Most often real experience will prove that at least a portion of our extrapolated ideas are false.  (This is why gay rights will ultimately triumph because over eight-four percent of Americans under 30 know someone who is gay or lesbian and this knowledge trumps tradition).

Our experience and learning come to us from spiritual, emotional, and intellectual means.  It’s uncomfortable to change our foundational beliefs because it upsets so much that is built upon that foundational belief.  Nevertheless, if we stubbornly hold to beliefs that are later proven by our experience and learning to be false, then we deny ourselves the opportunity to embrace more truth and to grow.

With respect to being gay, I have fully exhausted Option B.  There is no stone left unturned and no idea (that I am aware of) left unconsidered that could explain me being gay other than Option A.  After having shredded my life by examination to detect at what point I choose (either consciously or subconsciously) to be gay and finding nothing, and also having exerted all the power and influence of which I am capable over a very long time to change the way I am, I must conclude that Option B is false and that I exist as I was created. 

Because I have a fundamental belief in God and because nothing I’ve done in wearing out Option B has proven to me that God does not exist, then the only answer left is that God created me as I am and I exist as he wants me to be, thus Option A.

You may certainly disagree.  However, with respect to my life your database will be much smaller than mine so by definition I am the expert with regard to my life.  For many years I believed Option B and it was reinforced over and over by my family, community, and the LDS Church.  Unfortunately, this caused a great time delay in recognizing the truth, which brought me much unhappiness. 

Because I now know, beyond doubt, that I was created the way I am and that God is OK with it, my old foundation of many other beliefs perpetuated by my family, community, and the LDS Church have also been permanently fractured.  However, this is a topic for another day. 

I exist and I love it!

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