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Just my rambling thoughts about being gay and Mormon

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Change is coming


Don't read any further. This is not for you and I don't want to be a drag. I'm just putting down some thoughts to help me work through them.  


I am prone to bouts of depression. In the last few years I've done better at managing it. This weekend I've been sinking lower than usual. I find that by writing I can help clear my mind and move on.


I've been struggling at work for a long time with some serious program deficiencies. Slowly, they've been turning around and we just completed the longest successful run in the life of the company. Then, we had an event that caught everyone's attention, including headquarters, located several thousand miles away.  


Most the people I deal with at headquarters are relatively new and I've been working to solve a very complex and difficult problem for the company for years. Ironically, it was a problem created years ago by folks at headquarters.  


They have little understanding of where we have come from and the enormous progress that's been made. This most recent event has focused a lot of attention on me and it's obvious they don't think I'm doing a good job. 


The truth is they have no knowledge of the relative insignificance of the most recent event in the whole universe of challenges that we face. While the event was unfortunate, it is merely a blip in an otherwise much improved picture. No matter, the guys at headquarters smell blood in the water and they love to shake things up. They seem to follow the mantra, "if you can't solve problems, just shuffle things around so it looks like you're doing something vital."  
Last week, they gathered in a conference room at headquarters and invited me to call in for a discussion. I suspected I was being set up but I did not know that there would be three Vice Presidents listening in on the call. The folks on the call proclaimed to know the solution to a problem they could not clearly define. After an hour, I chimed in and told them what I thought of their plan and how little they really understood of the situation. It was pretty clear when I finished that they had no rebuttal to my logic and arguments. I had made the point but it was going to cost me. Wrong move.  
Friday, my boss called me in to tell me that his boss, and his bosses boss, and his bosses boss, all had concluded that I was not the right person to "lead the organization on to success."  He explained that the only way I could be redeemed is to either call the VPs and grovel to explain why I felt I could do it and should be allowed to proceed, or agree to be moved out of my current spot. 
This is not the first time I've tangled with some of these "leaders".  Previously, I've always been able to help them understand what they were missing and why the path we were on was the right one. This time it was different.

I've probably been in my current position too long anyway. Modern organizations need constant change, sometimes no matter the direction. I'm too vested in the projects and have brought them too far to objectively talk to idiots who wouldn't know the answer if it bit them in the butt. At least they probably aren't going to fire me this week.

I'm not morally opposed to groveling, if needed, but in this situation, I think it would only be a short term solution. I may repair the damage for a while but I'm convinced they want me out and will just find another way to do it. It's very hard on me to stay where I'm not wanted.

Change is not a bad thing and dealing with the the internal administrative bureaucracy has been overly draining on my morale and health. I think this might be a chance to get back into the technical stuff I enjoy.  Anyway, I agreed to be moved out of my current spot and was asked to propose some options. We'll see if they are any more willing to listen to my options than they were my thoughts on the phone call last week.






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